Transparent conversations

"They won't like You", model Maud

I know that it's naive of me to belive that all the people are good and that there is no prejudice in the world. It's not only naive: it is simple-minded and really silly. But I am (from time to time at least) a good willing person who belives in the goodness and kindness of all the people. Bad thing is that I still keep disappointing in my own belief. "Good" people still let me down.

There are people who judge others really easily. When You are not ticking all the boxes they consider necessary to be accepted, they even won't make an effort to learn to know You. It can be quite frightening when there is a large group of people who just expect You to change and make all the effort to accommodate to the group. And the most funny thing is that I usually even don't wan't to become a part of them. I just wan't to have a decent communication. But sometimes it's not enough and You are going to be seen as an outsider and weirdo.

This kind of shortsighted people are really hard to change. And maybe it isn't even necessary. Their shortsighted actions can have several reasons and one of them may be the enviousness: way back they changed everything about them to fit in. A number of times they gave up their very own secret dreams. Their backboneless actions started already before they wanted to become one with a group of people. It all led to enviousness and obdurate ideas. This kind of situation makes me really helpless: I can see that it's wrong but they wouldn't listen to me. They are lost in their own "perfect" world and nobody or nothing can bring them out from there. But I know that there is a slight change that maybe they are weird and the rest of the world isn't.

Well, it is true that I am not able to hold long conversations about some very specific topics or about my work or about student parties with puke and coma (simply bebause I never visit them) every time we meet up. I personally don't consider people who are not able to hold long conversations about art uneducated or stupid or shortsighted. But I do consider prejudice shortsighted. People like that miss a lot of chances in their lives. Do not take it granted that we all wan't to be like the others. 'Cause we don't.

I know that there are standards, and standards are good 'cause they let "different" people to shine and attract attention. And that is what makes some people special. And that's why I forgive them all!

"When it all piles up"

"Transparent conversations"

Unbearable lightness of being

"Dying Away from the Memory", model me

No, it is not about the book by Milan Kundera. It is also not about twisted lovers and countries, and history. It is just about the feeling ... yeah ... about the feeling that makes existence so unbearable and light. It misses mass and everything else that could keep it with to feet on the ground. You just start flying. You would like to walk ... make massive steps and feel the ground bouncing You back every then and while. But it doesn't happen. In these moment You would give everything to kiss the ground.

I would give a lot to be able to make one hell of a painting again. But I am just floating (am I already now the principal character of the book by Kazuo Ishiguro called "An Artist of the Floating World"? Isn't it too early, my friends?!?). I can't get in contact with myself (the world?). And it drives me nuts. TOTALLY NUTS. Which isn't agood thing at all. I find myself in the vicious circle of being misunderstood and not understanding the others. That's how it works: I don't know how to make peace with myself which makes me sending out all the wrong signals one can imagine, which makes people getting it wrong and giving me wrong feedback, which makes me totally mad of not being understood again. (Nokk kinni, saba lahti; saba kinni, nokk lahti, nagu juba vanarahvas teadis ütelda)

There have to be a moment when it's going to break. Actually I know there is a moment like that. But when does it come is unknown to me. And till that moment I have to make best out of it knowing that one day it's going to loose all the good things as well to get rid of the bad ones.

I am going to make my beautysleep of it. Even when my dreams are bitter sweet.

"The Girl Who Couldn't Talk", model me

The guy who couldn't be still and other stories

Untitled, model Gijs

"Messy Mind", model Gijs

Untitled, model Gijs

"The Room", model Gijs

There are always several stories going on - want it or not but that how it is. Nothing to do about it. And there are people who sometimes can't sit still or stand still or something like that. It wouldn't be a problem if some other people wouldn't have to take photos. Taking photos is definitely no standstill . Camera gives a certain freedom to the photographer. It opens a lot and it is shameless. Only thing that stays is an image from the certain moment. There is no sound recorded, no other evidence of situation is available. That's why the image have to be damn good. It have to tell the story of its own. If there is even just a little fragment of the moment and of the atmosphere captured in the image, it's already success. It is not a viewer who is in state to charge it. Viewer charges something else - the model, the composition, the colors etc. It is the model who is in state to charge it. Only he/she and the photographer know how it was. True - from the different point of view ... literally. If the model says that he/she can re-enter the moment experienced, re-enter the conversation, the smell, the sounds, the light and shadows, the mood; then I am prepared to say tha my work here is done and I have had some success. And if it doesn't happen I as a photogreapher have to make best out of it, and I have to do the best to present my work. Even if my model is so unsteady that my camera fastened on the tripod has problem to catch the moment.

"Laughter", model Eva

"Moment Away", model Eva

"Eva", model Eva